Saturday, January 26, 2002

Too familiar.
Richard Lim's article about being dumped and trying to shake off the want. Trying to NOT think about the person being in someone else's arms isn't easy, and I used to listen to that Bonnie Raitt tune too. (I've banned myself from listening to any sad songs at this stage, primarily because I don't want to start imaginging an emotion that wasn't ever there in the relationship.) It's been a week since the revelation, which I think was a God sent despite the initial trauma, and I guess while the relationship still leaves a bitter taste in the mouth, the want is coming to an end. I hope I never become so needful as he is with his Friday Night desires, but I'm not invulnerable to feeling so deeply either.
(I wonder what went through the ex and now-present bf's mind when he rang her handphone 11 times. I think inside she wanted to know he was tortured, which makes me feel like a pawn.)

I know it was never really over because he was always in the picture: The phone calls, the begging to be taken back, the calls to her best friend trying to find out about me, the recollection of her time in Melbourne with him, the two dogs she adored that are with him because he has a big place, the gifts he had given, the constant denials that she didn't have any feelings for him and so on. It's one of the reasons I wasn't comfortable with letting her meet my friends, while I seem to have met every one of her friends AND her parents in that one month. The sign I guess I should have understood was at her place on New Year's Eve/Day; about five minutes after the clock striking twelve and a new year came in, looking at her handphone which she left on a side table and seeing she received an SMS from him. It's a lesson to learn. Make sure the fucking ex is totally out of the picture. Why she went back to him even her friends don't know. Are things even now since he cheated on her and I was her means of getting back at him? (She seems slightly too forgiving of cheating; her best friend had done it as well, so it almost seemed to be OK to her.) Probably not deliberately, but I think his outright desire and need for her DID move her in the end. As to whether it's the right decision for her, I don't care, but I know splitting with her is the right thing for me despite the bashing I've taken.

I won't allow myself to be paralyzed with the want. I want to keep my fucking pride, and it's not always easy. Right now it's just plain old bitterness that eats up inside. I'm thankful for the good company around me (and the loud music) that's been pulling me through; I'll live through this and the forgetting will be complete.
Found out from Angie today that there is a guy with Aljunied as a last name, just like the MRT stop. Wondering whether there's a guy called Batok...
A friend emailed me an email with the famous photograph.

The text that went with the email was an oversimplification of Kevin Carter's strange and short history. A Pulitzer Prize winning photographer who took his life two months after getting the award. The Manic Street Preachers even did a song about him. Such a sad passing. May his soul rest in peace, as well as the soul of the girl in the photo.
This makes me humbled. I know I'll never love anyone so deeply, or even a quarter as much. Truly a case of Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.
Borrowed the pups to take some pix. Boy they're an idle bunch... their eyes are open now so they were giving me the "LEAVE US ALONE!" look. Their fur is growing well now. They're pretty lethargic and all of course but a cute bunch. I pity the poor mom. Once they're a bit bigger they're going to chase her all around the room/house for her milk. Five pups. Yeow. The parents are in a very protective mood and don't like me messing with them. They'll bark their hearts out when I take them out of the room, and nudge them one by one when I put them back beneath Julia's TV. Parental instincts, I suppose, persist throughout nature.

Friday, January 25, 2002

Daria, the series we never really got to see, just ended. The final lines:

"Stand firm for what you believe in until or unless logic and experience prove you wrong. Remember, when the emperor looks naked the emperor is naked. The truth and a lie are not sort of the same thing. And there's no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza."

Well hoping they make a DVD compliation of all the episodes from the five seasons.
time f'r turning over and over
time f'r turning four leaf clover...
Don't You Hate People Who Capitalize Every Word In Their Emails?

Gaaah... just irritates the hell outta me.
The Enron scandal gets worse after the suicide of a key exec. I think this will really jolt all the people involved.
Just finished watching Man Bites Dog, a mockumentary/black comedy about a serial killer in Belgium. The humour is pretty dark and it's not for those with weak stomachs. Basically it's about a film crew shooting a documentary about this loony killer who has a soft spot for chamber music. It does sag a bit at the midway point but overall a very sharp-witted movie that's surprisingly intelligent.
Listening to: Blur - Song 2
Friend was telling me how her present ang moh BF is going to get $96k a year teaching English at some snobbish private english school. Talk about a gross amount!

Thursday, January 24, 2002

So which way does the universe rotate?
Still good...
Just before Amelie there was this disgusting breast enhancement ad which was shown twice. I think if you've gone to any Cathay cinema lately you must have seen it. Breast Gro or something. Absolutely disgusting and just makes a woman out to be a pair of tits. Very, very bad taste...
Just watched Amelie with 3Tap which was pretty good; light and entertaining. Makes me miss Paris... until I remember the rude people there.

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

Billy Corgan sings like he has two corks stuffed up his nose... but I love the Pumpkins anyway!

Dilbert seems to be on a roll. Getting retrenched was probably the best thing to happen to this strip in a while.
Bull In the Heather - Sonic Youth
10, 20, 30, 40
tell me that you wanna hold me
tell me that you wanna bore me
tell me that you gotta show me
tell me that you need to slowly
tell me that yr burning for me
tell me that you can't afford me
time to tell yr dirty story
time f'r turning over and over
time f'r turning four leaf clover

betting on the bull in the heather

10, 20, 30, 40
tell me that you wanna scold me
tell me that you a-dore me
tell me that you're famous for me
tell me that yr gonna score me
tell me that you gotta show me
tell me that you need to sorely
time to tell yr love story
time f'r turning over and over
time f'r turning four leaf clover
betting on the bull in the heather

Temporarily available in my briefcase.
Got my half day off next monday so I can shoot Thaipusam. I've always gone during the mornings so will try for evening this time around. Always been fun and interesting. Hopefully it isn't rainy. Will be a busy day though as I also need to be at the office to help pick out the MTV winners as well as the usual boring updates (schedule, TV Works movies etc.) . Ah well... work is work. More cuts coming down probably on the Asiaone side. If MW continues to drip losses, it'll also get jettisoned quickly.

Also saw the new SPH office in Bradell. Nice but nothing too extravagant. They have a decent gym but pity I won't have access. Will have to plan my gym trips carefully since I have to book them 48 hours in advance from now on.
Went to get tickets for the Nordic Film Fest and purchased two tickets to Songs from The Second Floor for next monday. Supposed to be really weird. Almost left my shoes at the arcade but remembered just in time to get it. Whew.

Dropped by That CD Shop at the basement of Great World intending to buy U2's War but they were charging $23. No way man! But classic album. Definitely one of my desert island discs.

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

My ex company is featured here here.
Too bad Asiancontent is a porn portal.. bet it's more profitable.
Stuff you shouldn't listen to if you're just out of a relationship:
Soppy, mushy love songs/The Smiths/Nick Drake/The Blues

Listen to those and you reflect too much. You get reminded of the past and weave the emotions of the songs into your own memories. It makes it much harder to move on.

Another two artists to add to detox regime: Sonic Youth and Red Hot Chilli Peppers (the wilder stuff). Got that tune from Bull In The Heather ringing in my head.
Slowwave: the stuff of dreams.
Yay my DVDs arrived from Australia. Man Bites Dog and SNL: Best of Seinfeld. Can't wait to watch them!

Had a pretty productive evening talking to Alvin. Pitched the idea for my "totally insane" project, and said he might have the connection to make it actually happen. But first I have to work on some things on my side, since I suddenly have a deluge of time. ;) Time to get cracking...

Monday, January 21, 2002

Detox listening regime:
Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness
NIN - Closer
U2 - War, The Joshua Tree

No soppy love tunes, for sure.
Boy this is too early... ;)

Saw Black Hawk Down which was a big confused mess at most parts. I guess it reflected that War is Chaos. It did take a while before it got started though.

Sunday, January 20, 2002

Thanks Jo for that article. It got a lot of things correct about the past relationship. Will bury self in GMAT books and consider potential monkhood. ;)
In the depth of winter, I finally learned
that there was
within me
an invincible summer.

----Albert Camus
Letting the past become the past involved:
1) deleting all her smses I've stored up
2) packing up her gifts; shirts i'd never wear, the now meaningless xmas card ("love always?" yah right) and dumping it off at her office this morning.
3) ripping up her business card.

Man i'm hardcore.
Thank you Neruda. Your words are comfort, knowing that others have gone through this path before as well. Now is the time to move on, and let the past become the past.

I can write the saddest lines tonight.

Write, for example: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance".

The night wind spins in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest lines tonight.
I loved her, and at times she loved me too.

On so many nights like this I had her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, at times I loved her too.
How could one not love her large, fixed eyes.

I can write the saddest lies tonight.
Think that I do not have her. Feel that I have lost her.

Hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the verse falls upon the soul as dew upon the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That is all. Far away someone is singing. Far away.
My soul is not contented with having lost her.

As if to draw her near my gaze seeks her.
My heart searches for her, and she is not with me.

The same night that makes the same trees blanch.
We, of before, are no longer the same.

I love her no longer, it is true, but how I did love her.
My voice searched for the wind to touch her ear.

Another's. She will be another's. As before were my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I love her no longer, it is true, but perhaps I do love her.
Loving is so short, and forgetting is so long.

Because on nights like this I had her in my arms,
my soul is not contented with having lost her.

Although this be the last pain that she causes me,
and these be the last lines that I write for her.
- Neruda
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